Tantric Blog QnA

I am a tantric artist and practitioner, energy body choreographer, sex researcher/educator, embodied educator and psychologist with AASECT and SSSS. I offer Tantra meditation, movement, tantrassage, somatic embodiment coaching and energy (qi) touch groups and sessions in New York City, Westchester, NY, Fairfield County: Greenwich, Ct and Stamford, Ct. My practice includes commuters, locals and those who wish to venture to experience the unique journey I co-create for each of us..

Recent thoughts and dialogues: We feel lonely and stressed during covid and these uncertain political and economic times.  With depression, anxiety, frustration weighing in on individuals, marriages, families and communities, how can we love, cultivate intimacy, and our sexual appetite be channeled in the name of wellness? Our needs for intimacy and love, nourishment, and peace are vital. We need gentle guidance on how to cultivate states of bliss so absent in our lives. Tantra is a beautiful way to approach our emotional, mental, physical, energetic and spiritual needs. Can we reconnect to our partners and to others during these times? Yes, there are a myriad of Tantric pathways to reconnect to ourselves and each other and safely, using new guidelines and innovative methods. Intention and attention to each and every detail is an art, during these times.

Many women are reaching out. They wish to initiate dialogues and discuss topics openly and honestly w/ their partners, so they can evolve together. If you have a group ( 2 more more couples), we can arrange a Q n’ A or a gathering and  create a list of topics your group wants to address or practice, once, or on rotating format.

The Taoists and yogis know we can use the Tantras (methods) to heal or moderate pain, sore muscles, injuries, disease, open blockages that affect work, create profound relaxation, enhance and rebuild relationships, redefine intimacy and experience a joy and bliss rarely experienced.

When we are at peace and blissful, we can still be focused, but more effective. Having a lighter energy field around us, we perceive in healthier ways, see more options, are less devastated by setbacks and attract positive energy to us. When our hearts are open, we feel forgiveness and see infinite possibilities.

Many of us channel our erotic awareness externally towards other people, fantasy, and toward pornography. Therefore we rarely experience erotic embodiment. Sexological bodyworkers focus awareness in the present and cultivate discovering the vast repertoires available via our bodies. This awareness is so engaging, it creates empowerment, connection, and self realization.

When we are awake, so often we seek stimulation over relaxation. Stimulation involves the sympathetic autonomic nervous system; governing excitement and preparing the body for action. Sex drive prevents relaxation and integration of the parasympathetic system to be experienced in regular intervals through the day. The repercussions from over-stimulation of the body’s physical health are chronic stress/tension and cortisol burn out, sex addiction, chasing highs yet with greater difficulty getting aroused over time, and limiting experience and possibilities.

Erotic over-stimulation bias is how most people currently experience eros and sex.  In contrast, we can become aware of our body’s natural rhythms, breath and pulse waves, we can learn to develop slow long deep embodied erotic Tantra waves.  This is one of the highest art forms; offering esoteric and mystical experiences imbued with eros, peace and love. The pleasure is  a deep well-spring felt everywhere.. in all chakras, in all qi currents in the body, in our relationship, in our energy fields around our bodies and entire lives. We can access this energy and channel slow pleasure mastery at each moment. The experiences are extraordinary. Once students experience this, they search for words to describe what their experiences are. Sexological erotic bodywork practice supports quantum consciousness, macro-micro awareness, experience and quantum change.

Through regular conscious practice, we develop new pathways for arousal, which gives us vast choice and capacity for experience in life. Erotic sexological bodywork involves somatic and embodied education, coaching, anatomy and neurology, and supports acquiring and integrating our erotic and somatic development into our blueprint and matrix.

D: A New England couple state they have been cooped up for three months in a house together and it has never been more apparent to them how boring their sex life is. They ask how they can expand their repertoire. . My answer is there is such a wide diversity of opportunities for you to grow spiritually sexually sexually and emotionally as well as booster your immune system and your sexual self-esteem And intelligence. Feel free to look over my website and call me to discuss

D: A woman, wife, and mother of 3 in Greenwich wants to expand her repertoire of experiences. She feels closed down and knows there is so much more she can feel and experience. She wants to know if she can benefit from coming in without her partner. The emphatic answer is ‘yes’. I assist as a pranic midwife, to clear, heal, and open up energy flow and connect and weave erotic energies to the entire spectrum of consciousness.

Women’s work can be very deep and beneficial to experience on their own first. We can share and involve your partner a little later down the path, if you both are interested. As you complete the session(s), we can activate the keys to the entire matrix and witness/observe how this compels and opens you to possibilities. It is then very exciting to bring him in, at a certain point, and expand his knowledge and experience in the Tantric arts of weaving embodiment, intimacy and consciousness.

D: A couple from NYC come for their second session. On the phone, husband states he wants to learn how to “make my wife squirt”. So let us identify issues inherent in this request. First, he wants to be a doer, to DO something TO her. This is a common focus in men. Yet, if he does not care about his own Alchemy, he is really hampering his powers as a partner as well as his limiting own extraordinary journey and the higher ecstatic dance by co-participating engaging his own erotic energy into his own energy matrix.  Second, it is  an assertive agenda, on demand. Women cannot always respond to this. Third, the intention is stated “make” which may put a lot of performance pressure on her, me and himself. WE need time to get into that phase. 4 hours is advised. Fourth, there are so many elements  that need to be woven together to create this sacred tantric alchemy: extremely deep mental, physical, energetic, emotional, spiritual and esoteric and intersubjective aspects to this art form.  Amrita and yoni rituals are a high art, not a performance demand. The husband’s stance was that at home, he can “put her in doggy style coitus and get her to ‘squirt’ in 10 mins”. Well, that is great, yet we have the opportunity to introduce a magical  whole new extremely powerful paradigm, if the couple are both willing. It will open up an entire energy network and map of intimacy and love making, play, fun, deep connection and rewards unfathomable.

D: I have been asked by many women, “How many types of orgasms are there for women?” There are many types of orgasms a woman (or a man) may have. Clitoral, g-spot, deep orgasms that ignite from the front of the vaginal walls or from the back, cervical orgasms, pelvic floor orgasms, and full body and energy orgasms are the most powerful ones. However, there are many more powerful, for example, nipple and anal orgasms. Studies show that women who stay orgasmic are happier and healthier.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/321574

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21995650

As women evolve, they can have more types of orgasms. It has a lot to do with becoming proficient and practicing methods that help women relax and surrender as well as attending to muscles and energy currents and brain circuitry. Be mindful and creative and involve a loving informed partner.

D: A woman from Westchester, NY asks: I keep getting UTI’s from sex. I never used to and now that I am middle aged, it is a problem.

A: yes, it is true for both sexes…age affects libido and the entire yoni for women. So when I meet women, I talk about ways to prevent her from getting UTI’s AND how to increase libido. It is a fact…you CAN get it back and even stronger.

D: A 45 yo man from Westchester, NY comes  struggling with ED (erectile dysfunction). He had ER surgery for calcium kidney stones. He was severely traumatized by a nurse practitioner and thought that was why he had ED. His story was sad and empathy was appropriate. More probing revealed that he was prescribed two drugs that we looked up and are known to cause impotence. He had gone to several urologists afterward and shared his struggle. No one explained to him the side effects of these meds cause impotence. It is important to not take any Dr’s prescriptions as the absolute answer. I encouraged him to seek a new urologist who is open to work with holistic eastern medicine. There is Chinese medicine/accupuncture, Ayurvedic medicine and nutrition/herbs/cleanses and diet changes that can support healthy kidneys and prevention/dissolving of stones. This approach can bring back his libido. He is in charge of his destiny. There is hope if you claim ownership of the process and seek second and third opinions. Meanwhile, there are all kinds of extraordinary sensual-erotic Tantric energy alternatives to the shame, low self esteem cycle and pressure of coitus  he has been living with. He left awakened and open to a whole new realm of empowerment. I feel honored to be a part of his awakening.

Q/A: A man in Norwalk, CT. returns to study with me after being treated for  peyronies disease. This disease is genetic; those with family with it have a tendency to get it. There is also conjecture that it can come from injury during sex. There is no cure per se. It causes the penis to curve often so severely that sex is impossible and can be very painful. It also shortens the penis. It often happens in 40’s to 60’s for some men, but can also afflict younger men. Men who have connective tissue Dupuytren’s contracture often get peyronies disease. Ultrasound is the most commonly used test for penis abnormalities. Ultrasound tests use sound waves to produce images of soft tissues. These tests can show the presence of scar tissue, blood flow to the penis and any other abnormalities.  There is a Dr at the Mayo Clinic in Florida that does surgery on the penis. This was absolutely NOT an option this male was interested in! It horrified him as it can make the condition far worse! Instead, he was referred to an expert urologist who has worked with hundreds of men with this disease. Instead of surgery, there is a new drug FDA approved, Xiaflex, which over 7 injections over about 8 weeks, dissolves enough of the plaque causing most severe curvature and hardness. It cannot totally eradicate the condition, but can turn it from a 45 degree hard invert, to a soft arc instead. The 5 year struggle to finally partially heal and accept this was initially experienced as denial, anger, shame, hopelessness, depression and anxiety. Things that helped: faith, gratitude for all he does have and can do compared to so many more unfortunate beings, support with experience from someone he could talk to, and persistence in finding the treatment that resonated.  If you suffer from this condition, seek a consult with Dr Broderick and his team at Memorial Sloan Kettering, in NYC. Today this student has built his confidence back up and he has begun to explore intimacy with his new partner. We focused on the positives and how the penis arc has advantages for his partner; in various positions in coitus. the arc is a sure way to touch g -spot in his partner. Also we focused on sensual touch and prolonging intimacy rituals with his partner, pleasure and joy not contingent on coitus.

Q: A couple interested in Tantra massage and intimacy in Westchester, NY write:  My partner has masturbated so much, that it has become an obstacle for us to be intimate. He requires such an intense robotic motion to peak. I cannot perform like that. He has to do it himself and it is actually painful to watch him re-enact this. I want to support him, but…

A: Rediscover/look to the arts of Tantra and touch, Tantra and healing, Tantra and sensual touch. The value of intimacy energies that are yin, soft, slow, light, gentle rhythms and downshifting eros, is invaluable. You two, and all partners, can reconnect and become aroused using the subtle energy fields. It is magic.

Q: A Woman asking about Tantra, massage and coaching in West Plains, NY, shares: My husband and I have no connection. It is like a dead zone. I still want that connection. Is there any hope for me, for us?

A: Yes there is always hope. From death to a beautiful rebirth and unfolding love affair. The challenge is the sacred act of intimacy and connection and pleasure/lust have become imbalanced, estranged and dichotomized. They can  re-woven through couple’s Tantric intimacy coaching. You can learn all the ingredients to rediscover connection and sexual expressions.

Q: A couple from a sex and intimacy study group in Stamford, Ct asks, When and why do men and women stop wanting sex?

A: People stop for many reasons. We get lost in stress, resentments, distractions, attachments, routines, negative thoughts, extreme lifestyle imbalances. We forget how to live in the moment, to be present and make each and every act mindfully. Balanced healthy sexual desire can easily disappear if we do not lovingly nourish and culture it. There are certainly changes in our bodies and these changes affect individuals and partners differently. However, at all stages of life, there are  diverse ways to stay sexual, sensual, and erotic and experience pleasure and to enjoy the health, psychological and emotional benefits. Studies overwhelmingly indicate that sex is important at all ages and that people and couples who stay sexually active are happier and live longer and share more connection with one another. There are certainly changes in our bodies and these changes affect individuals and partners differently. However, at all stages of life, there are  diverse ways to stay sexual, sensual, and erotic and experience pleasure and to enjoy the health, psychological and emotional benefits.

https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/attitudes-about-sexuality-and-aging

Q: A man in Stamford, Ct, asks: how long does it take to learn Tantra? 

A: Most people will have a radically different experience in their first Tantra session, feeling vibrating energy in parts of their body never felt before. They will also feel more intense and extended arousal. With a few sessions, you can develop proficiency in how you wield this energy in various aspects of living. The possibilities are endless; a life long practice..or a glimpse. Once you learn it, you will attract different partners who can dance with you, or you may choose to invite your partner to have sessions with you.

Q: A woman in White Pains, NY asks: How can Tantra help my partner last longer? 

A: Using the methods of Tantra, BOTH of you will learn truly be in the moment erotically with your own erotic powers, not pull at his seeds, shift from goals and instead “dance” with slow eros and extend and redefine pleasure and orgasms physiologically and energetically so you can both last for as long as you want.

Q: A man in Westport, Ct: I am an outdoorsman. I have Lyme disease. It was not diagnosed for some time. It has affected or lowered my libido and sexual desire and performance. Can you talk about this issue and possible solutions?

A: I am sorry for this circumstance. I trust you have an excellent medical team working with you. Get multiple opinions. There are erectile medications, testosterone cremes, antibiotics, along with supportive herbs Astragalus root and Teasel, etc. From a Tantric/Qi perspective, do not give up. There is still so much to explore and discover: where and how to create sensual energy/qi and waves of pleasure in the body. Once you discover this, you can create a variety of Tantric intimacy rituals for you with your partner(s).

Q: A woman in Greenwich, Ct: I My husband is wonderful. I have a very strong libido. My partner does not. He has great resistance to sex. He works very long hours. Our two children are about to leave for college. We had a 3rd child unexpectedly. If and when I am able to get him to be with me, he cannot get aroused, or if he does, either he does not have orgasm or is premature. 

A: The addition, has added stress on him and the marriage. He may be overwhelmed, anxious, probably does not feel he can talk about it and may also even be resentful; yet guilty. I highly recommend couples like this seeking therapy and intimacy coaching. In the meantime, you may offer him a massage without ANY expectations beyond receiving nourishment. Pleasure yourself and ask him to watch:). There are some lovely intimacy rituals for this issue.

Q: A man in Darian, Ct says: I want to be respectful but I feel what want most is coitus. 

A: I understand. And if you want that, feel free to find a partner  for that purpose. For me and students of alchemy and Tantra, this traditional way of viewing sex and intimacy pales in comparison. In my long experience, the level of intimacy, connection, arousal, touch and ecstatic bliss is infinitely more gratifying if you can suspend that “goal” and practicing Tantric methods with another tantric partner or Tantric student. Your surrender will allow a true Tantric practitioner, to open your heart, inspire you to linger and witness the intensity of all your senses. Pranic play can bring so intimately close to your partner, that you will be awestruck, deeply in love, deeply present, magnetized and feel equally at peace and electrified. This is because you are tapped into the source. Holding your power as a man, changes your auric field, your luminescence and effervescense. You will vibrate for days and yet be clear headed and at peace; sleep like a baby. Now, if you lead using the traditional typical sexual method, the magic, the bliss, the profundity of alchemy will be short circuited and squelched. Instead, once you feel the pathway, you can channel this awesome energy into all the currents and rivers in your body. And each chakra has its own journey. You can channel this energy w/ source and cosmic energy field. Your state of consciousness will be infinite and multi-dimensional.  For those seeking to raise their sensual intelligence and embody sentience, Tantric intimacy is an amazing path. It is readily available to you if you are willing and open minded. And if both partners practice the method, infinite is the journeys the two of you can co-create.

Q; A husband in Westchester, NY says his wife is in her 60’s and has zero interest in him touching her or vice versa. He says this drives him crazy. 

A: A woman has lived through 400+ menstrual cycles, countless sexual encounters the “old way”, lived through possible miscarriages/abortion/childbirths and now her hormones are significantly reduced . With all hormones decreased significantly research suggests 65-86% of postmenopausal women are not active and experience no libido, pain and dryness. What this points to is potentially exciting news!~ Yet, women need to be willing to investigate this dead erotic zone. Is it worth reviving? If they are willing, I highly suggest they attend one of my Woman’s Womb groups; led by a highly educated and seasoned facilitator. Women can learn from each other, heal past experiences, be empowered, and reconnect with their wombs and vulvas. Women can discover new pathways to reclaim sensual pleasure. The Tantras are an excellent re-orientation to the body and erotic energy. Once women are open to this new amazing powerhouse to energy, their husbands/partners can learn how to be tantric partners and re-access sensual erotic energies. This takes a bit of training because all of our approach to sexuality and intimacy is evolving. Once men are shown  these extraordinary new ways to approach their own energy and the energy of their partner, intimacy is again highly probably! Men may learn new ways to approach being aroused also, and how to control and channel their arousal and to understand the power of intention. Then their partners can be very willing to engage!

Why women tend to avoid sex as they age

Posted by Lola Bastinado  – October 16, 2017 6:55 PM

As you all know I LOVE the medical journal articles. I found this one written by: Check this one out …. thoughts?

New research investigates the reasons behind why aging women tend to lose interest in sex after going through menopause.

The findings will be presented at the North American Menopause Society (NAMS) Annual Meeting, which will be held in Philadelphia, PA. Dr. Amanda Clark, from the Kaiser Permanente Center for Health Research in Portland, OR, is the lead author of the study.

The research examines the prevalence of so-called genitourinary syndrome of menopause (GSM) among postmenopausal women, and how it impacts women’s ability to enjoy sex.

GSM is the collective name for the range of vaginal and urinary tract issues affecting women who are either going through menopause or who are postmenopausal.

Common GSM symptoms include bladder control problems and pain during sex, or dyspareunia, which tends to occurs because the vaginal walls become thinner with age.

Studying GSM symptoms in aging women

From March to October 2015, Dr. Clark and her colleagues surveyed more than 1,500 women aged 55 and above using email.

The women were predominantly white, and nearly half (48 percent) of them reported not having had any sexual activity in the 6 months leading up to the study.

The women were approached within 2 weeks after they had visited their primary care physician or gynecologist, and the researchers selected the participants using electronic health records. In the survey, the women were asked about their history of “vulvovaginal, urinary, and sexual symptoms.”

The researchers compiled questions from the International Uro-gynecology Association-Revised Pelvic Organ Prolapse/Incontinence Sexual Questionnaire, and they combined them with similar questions that they designed specifically for vulvovaginal atrophy symptoms.

Fear of painful sex makes women avoid it

The main self-reported reasons for why women were not sexually active were lack of a partner, with 47 percent of respondents saying that this was the case, or the partner’s “lack of interest or physical inability,” with 55 percent of participants responding thusly.

However, in addition to these, the respondents reported several medical reasons. “Bladder leaks, urgency, or too frequent urination” was noted by 7 percent of the women, while 26 percent of them said that their sexual inactivity was “due to vulvovaginal dryness, irritation, or pain,” and 24 percent said that dyspareunia was the main reason.

Sexually active women also reported feeling “pain or discomfort” while having sex, with 45 percent of them saying that they “usually” or “always” feel such pain. Also, 7 percent of these women said that they experienced urine leakage during intercourse.

Vaginal dryness was another common problem, and 64 of the women who did not use lubricant reported experiencing this issue.

Overall, “[For] both sexually active and inactive women, fear of experiencing [painful sex] was reported as [the] reason for avoiding or restricting sex more often […] than fear of bladder symptoms,” write the authors.

More specifically, 20 percent of the women reported a fear of vulvovaginal atrophy symptoms, while just 9 percent reported a fear of bladder control symptoms.

Dr. Clark and her colleagues conclude, “Postmenopausal women report that [GSM] symptoms occur during sexual activity. Further, these symptoms limit the ability to be sexually active and negatively affect the emotional experience of their sexual life.”

Our findings underscore the need to further expand the sexual history after a woman reports that she is not currently sexually active.”

Strengths and limitations of the study

Speaking to Medical News Today about her research, Dr. Clark said, “[The strengths of the study were that] we evaluated the full age spectrum for postmenopausal women, up to age 89, [and that] we [were] able to link survey and electronic health record data.”

Dr. JoAnn Pinkerton, the executive director of the NAMS, also weighs in on the findings, saying, “This study provides just one more reason why healthcare providers need to have an open and honest discussion with peri- and postmenopausal women so that appropriate treatments options can be evaluated.”

But Dr. Clark noted some limitations of the study, as well. She told MNT, “Our study population differs from the general population in that these women had sought preventive care. We evaluated women immediately after a well-woman visit.”

“Also,” she continued, “women in our study may have increased awareness of GSM since they volunteered to participate in a study named ‘Yes to Vulvovaginal Health.'”

She said that future research should test the findings in larger cohorts. “[The] next steps,” Dr. Clark concluded, “are to continue to find ways to include sexually inactive women in studies of sexual function related to GSM.”

Q: A 39 man in Stamford, Ct says his wife does not want him to touch her.

A: There are many reasons for this. So a thorough investigation of the relationship is worth exploring. Do they have conflicts/resentments/hurt, do they have young children, depression/anxiety, are they both working too much? These can all add to having little energy left invest in sexuality and if there are conflicts, partners often will not be open to intimacy. Refusal to let a partner touch them is a way partners say, I don’t like something about you and us. It could also be as simple as touch, quite rapidly leads to sex, especially for men. And if a woman even senses this, she may recoil. Especially if the male has not learned the art of touch, touch intentions and touch without an agenda to stimulate sexual organs and have coitus. Therefore, it is highly recommended that men take courses or study the art of touch, touch intentions and touch without an agenda to stimulate sexual organs and have coitus. Sensual erotic touch has not been taught in our cultures and it is time men take the initiative to elevate their sensual intelligence.

Q: A man from Greenwich, Ct says he wants to learn how to please a woman.

A: This is so often brought up in sessions or workshops. Many men are actually not turned on if their women is not turned on. This can set up an obligatory requirement that women must feel aroused and if not, they move into obligatory mode and fake or worst yet, avoid intimacy. Other men have been rather self focused and genuinely want to expand their intimacy repertoire. I will say that before a man can please anyone, he needs to be proficient in understanding and channeling erotic energy in his own body.  He needs to hold his own space and not energetically suck, pull or demand the energy of a woman. He also can become aware that he may be using his hands much like hardware tools. Through no fault of his own, his methods may be outdated. I highly recommend he learn the various options for channeling erotic source energy in a Tantric session focused on Taoist Tantra and Kundalini Tantra. I also highly recommend he learn the art of touch, layers of prank,  phases of touch and sensuality vs sexuality.

Q A man from Manhattan, NY says he wants to learn how to last longer during sex.

A: There are Tantric Methods that were devised to transmute sexual energy and redistribute this energy to other chakras. To achieve your goal, you can learn the methods and move the energy up or down.

Q: A couple from Greenwich, Ct as, What is Tantrassage, or Tantric Massage? Why is it important to my husband, my wife and our sexuality?

A: Tantra is NOT massage. I fused these words to create volition. Tantrassage is a signature method unique to me. It includes a fusion of breath, muscles, body, mind, energy-body work, touch and the erotic connection between two people. I facilitate the ability to create a phenomenal experience between 2 beings  that is sensual/erotic and therapeutic, relaxing, healing and nourishing. The erotic energy connection opens up blockages, resets the brain waves, and clears the mind. You may be able to feel full body waves, as the Taoists say, and become the multi-orgasmic woman/man. These “orgasms” are not contingent on for example, erection nor ejaculation. They take the best part of having an orgasm, which is energy, and when guided proficiently, amplify and intensify this energy throughout the entire body; again and again. When these full body waves occur, you can connect to all energy centers and channels in your body and have a very powerful experiences that are unfathomable, challenging to describe; unless you are a poet. They are cosmic, heartfelt, esoteric bliss and vast oneness. The waves and journey is still connected and anchored to your eros, but it so much more. Tantrassage is so much more. It is yin and sensual. Partners learn how to connect to themselves and each other through a new magical method. It is extremely powerful. An educated seasoned guide is crucial.

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Today I helped connect another sentient being to the awesome power.